confusion = starve

loss = starve

sadness = starve

anger = starve

hopelessness = starve

life = starve

7:28 am  •  7 January 2012

(Source: hookedtohospitalmachines, via dietandcigarettes)

11:34 pm  •  5 January 2012  •  487 notes

I feel so ill.

I never want to leave my bed, just waste away. I’ve eaten nothing today. nausea is rolling around in my stomach reminiscent of my actions last night. I haven’t moved from this spot today, apart from when I left his house trying to be composed and not throw myself in front of a vehicle. I got home and cried. a lot. I don’t know why all of a sudden I feel so awfully destructive again. like I just want to rot away into a pile of bones and make them all watch me. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I sliced up my arms for the first time since before I started taking my medication. the pain feels amazing.

I’ve lost my appetite entirely. at least one good thing comes from this situation.

11:32 pm  •  5 January 2012

(Source: sickly-thin, via dietandcigarettes)

8:01 pm  •  5 January 2012  •  874 notes

(Source: c-o-l-o-u-r-s-f-a-d-e, via dietandcigarettes)

4:08 am  •  5 January 2012  •  2,136 notes

I’ll be posting regularly from now on. this is a horrible sign. I don’t care.

okay, I’ll say it. I miss my eating disorder. I miss it so, so much. it ruined my life, it tore it to fucking shreds but for some twisted, sick reason, I miss it. I miss the purpose it gave me, the goals, the happiness and elation as the weight fell off. part of me doesn’t want to descend back into it, the other yearns for it.

I’ve felt its pull over the past couple of days. I’ll get a few bites into a meal and then just stop, for no explicable reason. I’ve gained 10 kg since my lowest weight, 10 disgusting kg. I miss the hunger. I miss the weightlessness. I miss the floating. I’m sick of feeling full and bloated and disgusting.

I need it back. I need my disorder back.

3:57 am  •  5 January 2012

(Source: m-arigold, via dietandcigarettes)

12:20 am  •  11 October 2011  •  91 notes

(Source: skeletonized, via dietandcigarettes)

12:19 am  •  11 October 2011  •  1,122 notes

my mood has been so all over the place these last couple of weeks. the meds aren’t really helping much yet, and I saw my psychologist again for the first time in nearly 2 years 2 weeks ago. I can’t see her helping at all, she really doesn’t help which is a bit disheartening.

my eating is odd lately, too. I cried my eyes out when I found out that paroxetine is the worst anti-depressant for weight gain, so I figured I’d go bat-shit crazy on weight loss again, but I haven’t. I’ve been eating fine, I eat whatever I want without second thought. I can’t decide whether that’s reassuring or concerning.

I think I’ve made up my mind though. I’m going to eat all I want until school finishes in a few weeks, and then start on my diet again. I really miss the sense of purpose that starvation and goal weights gives you. I know that sounds terrible but I really need a sense of direction right now, and I figure that will suffice for a while.

12:08 am  •  11 October 2011

I’ve been put on medication for my anxiety and depression.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe social phobia, panic attacks and moderate depression. fun.

I’ve started on 10mg of aropax (paroxetine) for the first 4 days and then 20mg. I’m going to start taking the full tablet (20mg) tomorrow.

My side effects have been pretty mild so far, thankfully. I’m on day 4 of taking 10mg. I’ve had horrendously awful headaches and I’ve been ridiculously tired the past few days but that’s about it. I had a really bad panic attack last night, had to take a valium to calm down. I was so restless. I couldn’t sit still. I walked around the house about 50 times just jumping out of my skin, wanting to run somewhere, just wanting to do something. that eventually progressed into being a frantic, shaking, crying heap. awful.

today hasn’t been that much better. as soon as I woke up properly, I started experiencing the onset of another anxiety attack. I started walking around the house again, but that wasn’t enough. I scratched up my arms pretty bad and that calmed me down for a while. I then started feeling awfully depressed, and that eventually progressed into numbness and vagueness. every time my heart thumps, its like something is coursing through my body. it’s so strange. my legs feel disconnected from my body. I’m taking my first 20mg tablet tomorrow. hopefully I don’t go too insane. 

I hope this all stops soon. I just really want to feel better again. 

4:11 am  •  22 September 2011