January 2012
6 posts
confusion = starve
loss = starve
sadness = starve
anger = starve
hopelessness = starve
life = starve
I feel so ill.
I never want to leave my bed, just waste away. I’ve eaten nothing today. nausea is rolling around in my stomach reminiscent of my actions last night. I haven’t moved from this spot today, apart from when I left his house trying to be composed and not throw myself in front of a vehicle. I got home and cried. a lot. I don’t know why all of a sudden I feel so awfully...
reborn
I’ll be posting regularly from now on. this is a horrible sign. I don’t care.
okay, I’ll say it. I miss my eating disorder. I miss it so, so much. it ruined my life, it tore it to fucking shreds but for some twisted, sick reason, I miss it. I miss the purpose it gave me, the goals, the happiness and elation as the weight fell off. part of me doesn’t want to descend back...
October 2011
3 posts
my mood has been so all over the place these last couple of weeks. the meds aren’t really helping much yet, and I saw my psychologist again for the first time in nearly 2 years 2 weeks ago. I can’t see her helping at all, she really doesn’t help which is a bit disheartening.
my eating is odd lately, too. I cried my eyes out when I found out that paroxetine is the worst...
September 2011
2 posts
I’ve been put on medication for my anxiety and depression.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe social phobia, panic attacks and moderate depression. fun.
I’ve started on 10mg of aropax (paroxetine) for the first 4 days and then 20mg. I’m going to start taking the full tablet (20mg) tomorrow.
My side effects have been pretty mild so far, thankfully. I’m...
it feels like there’s this weight on me, when I walk, when I sit, when I sleep, all the time. It won’t go away. my anxiety is ripping me to shreds. I can’t muster proper emotion, everything is just dulled and blurred until I accumulate too much and it comes out in the form of a panic attack or breakdown. my hope for everything is diminishing with each passing moment.
I want to...
August 2011
11 posts
consumption.
breakfast - special k (150)
lunch - yoghurt (100)
dinner - vegetarian pasty (350)
total - 600
that pasty was ridiculous. I nearly threw up when I saw the calorie content. I was made to eat it though. so bad.
consumption.
breakfast - special k (150) lunch - up and go (250) dinner - rice noodles and spinach (200)
total - 600
terrible, terrible day. lunch was so unnecessary.
I’m so embarrassed, humiliated, horrified.
I had a breakdown at school today, I was absolutely hysterical. it just came out of nowhere, it’s never happened before. the most intimidating teacher in the whole of the school confronted me about it and asked if I had depression. I oh so stupidly said ‘yeah’. the first person I’ve ever told and it had to be a teacher I...
consumption
gonna start tracking this every day so I can openly see my shame.
breakfast - crumpet (100) lunch - bowl of special K (150) dinner - cauliflower soup (~150) snack - popcorn (50)
total - 450
not bad for the first day.
starting diet tomorrow. gained so much weight, I can just feel it. hate myself. going to get thin again. fuck everything.
depression’s back in full force. so is anxiety. desire to be tiny isn’t.
I’m a fucking wreck.
July 2011
18 posts
2 tags
I’m losing hope again. I’m finding it increasingly more easy to maintain my facade, put up a positive face for people even if it’s insincere. I’m almost starting to believe it. almost.
although there’s part of me which desperately longs to be mired in my depression once again. there’s part of me that wants to waste away into nothing. there’s a part of me...
I went food shopping today.
the house was barren and I needed some things. ended up buying more than I set out to which is a little disappointing. most of it is low in calories though.
since I went shopping and had food in the house for the first time in forever, I ate too much. I’m really disappointed in my self. my calorie count is making me cringe.
breakfast - n/a lunch - tuna bake (~300) snacks - yoghurt (150),...
3 tags
changed my diet around a bit.
yesterday I ate:
breakfast - nothing lunch - scrambled eggs with salmon, 2 pieces of rye toast (~350) dinner - lettuce
total - 350
today I ate:
breakfast - small bowl of oats (~300) lunch - fish (~200) dinner - vegetables
total - 500
weighing tomorrow. so scared. if I’m not at least 53 kg I will cry my eyes out
starting a new diet tomorrow.
I’ve basically looked up the ‘3 day diet’ and then customised it to stuff that we actually have in the house. it includes more than I’d probably normally eat, but most of it is low in calories so it will probably be best in the long run. here’s hoping.
day one:
breakfast: tea, orange, 1 slice toast, metabolism pill lunch: green tea, 1 slice toast, can of tuna,...
tomorrow it starts.
I now have a date to aim towards.
August 4th
I need to be tiny by this date. Absolutely fucking tiny.
June 2011
49 posts
1 tag
today will be one of the hardest of my life.
so fucking sad. so exhausted. so sick of the hate. so tired of being a burden. so hated.
it’s funny. when I went back and restarted this blog, I was getting happy again. it’s all crashing down now. I’m more depressed than ever and it’s only getting worse. I need to learn that I’m never going to be happy or content. that...
1 tag
