I’m losing hope again. I’m finding it increasingly more easy to maintain my facade, put up a positive face for people even if it’s insincere. I’m almost starting to believe it. almost.
although there’s part of me which desperately longs to be mired in my depression once again. there’s part of me that wants to waste away into nothing. there’s a part of me that wants to be nothing more than a bleak pile of bones that just floats around dismissing everyone and everything. I’ve been so consumed by this darkness for so long that it’s become my familiar. it’s like I’m homesick for my sadness. it’s awful and I hate it but I can’t stop feeling this way.
I’m taking each day as it comes at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll revert to the way I was. I’m trying so desperately to avoid it.
in other news, I’ve been binging the worst I ever have on food the past couple of weeks. I hate it. I’m going to eat very little for the next 3 days or so and then weigh myself just so I don’t freak out too much. I need to lose it this time. I really do.
